Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Haute Couture by Heather...Tongue in Cheek Tuesday

I have a man.

So clearly, that makes me an expert on how to catch a husband and get married.

This is in no small part due to my style and...the subtle things I do on a daily basis to maintain my level of sophistication.  Men secretly love a woman who has a flair about her.  So, if you are a single woman, looking to get married, please hear my words on style.  Embrace these....words of wisdom, if you will.  And you too will soon find yourself in a loving embrace.

First, make sure to only wear the finest clothing.  A ratty sweater is often a good choice to impress a man.  It lets them know what a classy woman you are....and make sure to wear it often.  Obviously he liked it enough to ask you out, so he clearly wants to see it in frequent rotation.  It's important to take your man's feelings and likes into consideration, and dress to make him feel like he's a real winner because he's got you on his arm. 

Make sure to enhance your sweater's looks and make it...extra special by...embellishing it with sophisticated little touches...like bits of thread and fluff from your sewing.  Can I just say The Mister finds extreme pleasure in de-fluffing me on a daily basis.  Oh yes.  Before I am allowed to leave the house and actually be seen in public, he takes several moments to look me over...head to foot and personally remove any debris that is attached to my person.  You want your man to enjoy the time he spends with you.  Make it fun for you both.

As they say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...a good way to show him that you are in fact a good cook and will make him tasty victuals on a daily basis...is to wear a symbol of this, like a badge of honor for all to see.  A smudge of flour strategically placed on the bosom will give a man this knowledge...without much effort.  He's already looking there, why not give him some info at the same time...kind of like your own little infomercial.  We interrupt this programming to let you know, this woman can cook!  Remember ladies, knowledge is power.

A man also likes to see his woman with her hair done....just so.  He likes to know you take time to pretty yourself up for him on a daily basis.  Learn the classic technique of...pony tail, and wear it every.  single.  day. 

And finally, make sure you ALWAYS wear makeup.  Some Burt's Bees lip balm will go a long way to upping the sex appeal.

You can thank me later...once the proposals start rolling in...and they will.  And if you're already married and start using these techniques, your husband won't know what hit him when you come strolling by.  Lucky son of a gun.

Please Click Here for more fun during Tongue in cheek Tuesday!

Thanks for reading!

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  1. Heather, you are an absolute ace at this tongue-in-cheek thing! I swear to God *whispers* that you have missed your calling as a humorist writer!! I am laughing so hard I have tears dear! Way to flash your boobs for the entire world to see! (Claiming a small smudge of flour as an excuse...genius!) Love you girl and awesome post!!

  2. Lmao!!!! I'll be back later, running to put flour on my bosom.

  3. Does cat hair qualify as appropriate sweater fluff? I can sport quite a bit of that at any given time.

  4. hahahaha! Are you my sister from another mother??? Love it!!


  5. You are sooo funny Heather!! De-fluffing!! lol. My hubby and I de-cat-hair eachother practically every day, so I know of what you speak Girl. lol.

  6. Too close for comfort - I love it! My husband makes me defluff myself. You lucky thing!

  7. OMG.....so funny!!! I'm totally testing the flour trick later today....I'll be sure to tell you the results! Such a fun read and share!

  8. I tried this and it didn't score me a man. What the heck!


    1. Well...maybe you forgot to wear the crocs....now, try that with all these other techniques and then see what happens!!

  9. LMAO - I foolishly wiped the flour OFF my jammies - go figure!
    You're hilarious Heather ( so happy you found someone to defluff you )
    Thanks so much for joining!

  10. Another great post! Burts Bees lip balm is my go to makeup staple!

  11. My husband and are like monkeys de-doghairing each other before leaving the house. Maybe we just should wait until we get back home and let it lead to romance. You should be writing an advice column!

  12. Heather you sexy thing, off to get some flour!

  13. Omg - you need to be a writer girl!!! You are hilarious!!! Sean was even laughing at this post - so awesome!!!!!

  14. I always dab a little flour on the bosom. As they say... A little dab'll do ya!

  15. I'm going to send this to my daughter. I'm sure she needs this information. Love your glasses by the way!

  16. You have such a happy friendly face, Heather.
    I'm taking notes here! I've been married a long time so I'll get him fired up with all these tips. Thanks for sharing!

  17. So funny! I think I can do this. You made it look so easy!


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